The Off-colored Officer - The Year-End (Usual) Feature


As usual, since 2009 is about to leave us, and thank God for that, it is only natural for just about every people on Earth to come up with a list of the best that 2009 had crapped out on humanity. Since this blog (err I mean my column in this blog) is about music, here's what you would have expected anyway. No drum roll thank you.

Best Album
Mastodon - Crack the Skye (March 24/Reprise Records)
Totally expected it to win the coveted title of the Best-est album of the year. It is one Hell of a juggernaut an album this. I have said this many times and still I'm going to repeat the same thing again here. This album is a stone grinder, for human. It is so God Almighty powerful, it's like being hit in your face with a steel container fully loaded with bricks while the lorry that is pulling it along is on fire. There is no other album of the entire year that is as awesome as this one. Yeayeaargh!!!

Best Song
Pesawat - Rasional Emosional
The local underground scene has really flourished since OAG first did the crossover thing with their mainstream-oriented, radio-friendly album entitled Opera Radhi-o Friendly. Since that paradigm shift, everyone within the underground scene realized that it is the language of their song that is the barrier that prevents their music from receiving wide acknowledgment. So ironically, thanks to the ever genius and talented visionary Radhi, we now have the pleasure of having Pesawat on mainstream radio. Their first single, Mirage, was really catchy and introduced to the mass this talented young band. The second single (or was it third?), Rasional Emosional, however, was the one that caught my ears. It is my all-time best song to sing along with.

Best New Talent
Zee Avi
Sorry Pa'an. The large sidekick to Yuna with a frantic facial hair might find this a bit frustrating but I'm sorry mate, Zee Avi is still the best. Yuna might have been reaching out to international audiences as well, like Zee Avi. But what differs between the two female singer-songwriter is that Zee Avi's materials are on the sunnier side of the day. Yuna is on the most part brooding and too serious. I have had enough of the darker stuff. I just literally learned how to laugh this year. But all the best for the final of Anugerah Juara Lagu.

Best Band to Emerge in the Local Scene But Then Imploded Too Early
They Will Kill Us All
Well the ending wasn't all too tragic actually. The band is still around, but only with a different front person. Yes, front person because the energetic and frankly amazing Fizul has been replaced with some female singer whom I cannot care to check out what's her name. Maybe it is still too early to write them off but TWKUA without their charismatic former front man feels a bit unfinished. At first I couldn't understand Pa'an's constant raving about the band. But after seeing them live, I finally understood what is it about TWKUA that is so, err, grabbing. It's Fizul. (Is that his correct name by the way?)

Best Freaky Artist
Lady Gaga
The all-time holder for this title is none other than the songstress from Iceland, Bjork. But for this year, I've got to hand it to Lady Gaga. Outrageous fashion sense, outrageous hairdo, and outrageously amazing stage presence, the Gaganess has it all. Delicious disco number helps a lot.

Best Band to Have Improved Since They First Came About
The Times
They really have got over OAG. And that's good.

Best Band That Should Really Be Performing Live in Malaysia
The Flaming Lips
The year 2009 has seen a number of international stars/bands/artists coming to Malaysia to perform live, especially Mogwai, in January, at Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre, which I went to. Not the biggest fan of Mogwai but my word it was amazing. Next year we will be having Mono (the Japanese soft post rock band) and Kings of Convenience, which is a definite 'must go'. So, Kuala Lumpur is slowly becoming a cool destination for really cool bands, barring one: The Flaming Lips. Every music critic ever alive reckoned that they are the band that everyone should see live before we die. I bought it. They HAVE to come to Malaysia.

Best Album That Turns Out to Be Crap
Muse - The Resistance (14 September/Warner Bros)
This one is not just crap. It turns out to be a humongous crap equivalent with that Oasis of the Sea cruiser ship. Black Holes and Revelation, their last album, is not a blip in the band's illustrious career. It has now manifested itself into a malignant cancer. I don't know - it is something about Matthew Bellamy (sort of) abandoning the guitar for a complete string ensemble that seems a little weird and un-Muse like. The reason Radiohead can do so (abandoning guitar altogether) is because their music, at the beginning, always has that empty space where anyone can manipulate and make it un-rock. Muse, for the first three albums, has always been a full on straight rock band. And they should always remain so. As for Silverchair - they have a perfect excuse because Daniel Johns have always seem a little mental. When they made Neon Ballroom, people say that they are going through a 'difficult' phase. Muse, when they made Black Holes, people say that they are going through a 'lost with no direction' phase. It's a big shame.

One Day Holiday - Oh Need Uh?

*One day Holiday is an unscheduled, published-whenever-I-feel-like-it column for Hafeez, a resident blogger for this blog. This column is centered mostly around music and random stuff that ranges from the coherent to the absolutely absurd.


I just received not less than a minute ago a text message from my father saying my third sister, who sat for the PMR examination this year, got all A. I can sort of imagine how proud both my parents, the person herself, and my other two sisters are feeling at the moment. I even told about it to some of my colleagues and they voiced their congratulatory joy. Perfectly understandable; perfectly appropriate. Barring me.

On Monday and Tuesday, I went for some kursus at the majestic brand new UiTM Puncak Alam campus, located somewhere in between the fringes of Shah Alam and Kuala Selangor, and Holy shit middle of nowhere. In one of the talks by the guest facilitator, he touched on the topic of classification of types of person in accordance to the majority content of the person's heart. Or something. My memory of it is a little scant. Some scientist did a research on that topic and found out that the physical content of a person's heart affects or determines the characteristic of a person. If let's say the person's heart is majority covered in blood, then that person has a lively character. Or something. My memory of it is a little scant.

I, however, found out, as I suspected it would have been, that the major content of my heart is nothing but slime. Because according to that research, it says that if the person's heart is covered in slime, the person's emotion has the same responsiveness rate of a sleepy slow loris. In other words, the person's emotion is very hard to be triggered, and very slow at giving response. Imagine waking up from a nice afternoon nap and straight away had to score a Mensa test. That is how I am like when it comes to responding to something that involves the emotion. Because my body was designed in a way that the glass jar labeled 'Emotion' was kept in the top shelf. You can never reach it. It's never 'there'.

Which, predictably, supposes me to react in exactly the same way when I listened to Oneida's Rated O. Oneida has always been an interesting listen, and I suspect will forever be one because they are one of the select bunch of musician whose existence is to defy classification and genre all for the sake of the art of making music. They make music not to appeal to any specific niche or style, and because of that I have an immense respect for them. They are what I reckon should be referred to as the Renaissance man of music. They have all the music instruments and gadgets that man have invented in the world, and they put all of it to good use. They don't go for the tried and tested formula; they don't tread the known, charted path; they just simply let go and be adventurous. And inventive. Without being unpredictable and messy.

The really nice thing about this band is that they have the inventiveness, the creativity, the idea, and the means to execute all of it and yet the final product sounds remarkably civilized. Amazing stuff no doubt but it also is the beginning of a problem for me. You see, I have been listening to Oneida for four years now, spanning a number of studio releases. Not enough to warrant a scientific, thorough and intelligent study of the subject - yes. But I've listened to enough Oneida's extensive creations and there is always an invisible buffer to their stuff. It's like I can never reach to the heart of their materials.

The sole reason to the existence of artistic music I believe is to allow the listener to engage themselves, to immerse themselves in the sound, in the tune, in the craft of a song, and experience music to an entirely new height (or new depth, whichever you prefer) because like how I have always stressed before, music is a living creature. It's an existence, an entity. Music is a lonely but beautiful creature, and it longs to be touched and understood by those who enjoys its company. That's why we frequently hear how people label certain songs as 'beautiful', or 'mesmerizing', or 'heartfelt', or whateverelsehaveyou.

Oneida's music however shies itself not from just pigeonholing but also revealing its heart. It is not just content on being intelligent, but also distant. It is not just content on being smart, but also unfriendly and closed. And because of that, their music has always been smug. It is too proud of itself that it shuns other people who actually might want to get close to it. It shuns itself from other people who are genuinely attracted to its beauty. Oneida's music is, in a way, very much like my emotion: kept in a glass jar in the top shelf. It is never there, never reachable.

Very Grammatic - Milk My Heart Over, Harvey

*Very Grammatic is an unscheduled, published-whenever-I-feel-like-it column for Hafeez, a resident blogger for this blog. This column is centered mostly on Hafeez's other main interest: unusual, unique, arty, and weird music that sane people only listen to while high on drugs.


Today is an historic day because I can finally announce that this blog finally (and officially) has one reader. ONE exact reader. So, lucky new reader, if you're reading this: Hello!

Today I want to talk about the month December. I think I can safely say that, God knows why, the month December is a bad luck month for me. December 2007 will go down in my life's history as the most painful so far. December the following year was utterly, utterly hideous. And then this year's version December - my job is on the line. Well done December! Congratulations. You have brought lots of pain and suffering you insufferable oath. I don't know if it is the same with everyone else, which I think should explain why lots of people partied like Hell on New Year's Eve. To celebrate the demise of December perhaps?

Which then brings me to another topic: New Year's Eve. Last year's NYE, I spent it watching [REC], the horror movie from Spain made entirely out of shaky handheld camera in one continuous narration that quite literally shook the whole world. Actually the original plan was to have a barbecue with some friends out on an open field but you know, words speak louder than actions most of the time.

So what is it that I want to talk about actually? Movies. I've been talking about music all this while so let us all now shift our focus to something else. Since December is about to end (Thank you), it is only normal for a lot of people with nothing better to do to come up with a compilation list of the best movies of 2009. And which I am about to do so.

There are quite a lot of very good movies that I've watched this year, especially "The Damned United", which is a biography of one of the greatest English manager England never had - Brian Clough. But the highlight of this year's movies are the sick, revolting, disgusting shocking ones. "Salo", for one; and "Pink Flamingos". You need to have a stomach made out of reinforced solid steel and 20 inch kevlar to sit through it. Let alone the courage. Then there's "Milk" - a portrayal of California's controversial openly gay politician Harvey Milk by Sean Penn. Great actor; I really like him, very talented, but "Milk" was pushing the envelope a bit too far out. I cannot for the life of me understand why do they have to do a feature on a homosexual politician and spend a good half portion of the entire film shooting gay sex scene that borders on vomit and paranoia inducing madness. It was truly horrible, truly excruciating to watch that film without gagging.

Even more frustrating because Harvey Milk also happens to be the name of a 'quite probably rock' rock band that I actually like. They are, as you would have probably suspected, a band that plays music that started out sounding a bit like rock, but not the kind that you can quite put your finger on. They are quite savage, and uncivilized. They sound like a rock band from the Jurassic age, from the year 2300. I may have said that but again, they are not quite rock. It's like listening to two huge boulders grinding. It's not quite music but it's also not quite useless noise either. It's a very delicate straddle between sanity and hilarity. It's either you listen to it or you don't. It's like going out for a blind date, and found out that your date is a really attractive fine young lady that fits your personality well like a glove but has a heart of gold and only think of you as a friend. You want to take it a step further but it will never happen. It attracts you, it pushes all the right button, but it also frustrate you. You really want it like it meant the world but you will never own it. You will always end up being the loser.

But the one that didn't kill your spirit.

The Off-colored Officer - A Logical Reply-Explanation to Zee Avi's Kantoi


I am tempted to do this. It is the end of semester break and I have nothing to do (else). So here's a verse-by-verse reply-explanation to the lyrics of Zee Avi's Manglish song "Kantoi".

Semalam I call you, you tak answer
You kata you keluar pergi dinner
You kata you keluar dengan kawan you
But when I call Tommy he said it wasn't true

The logic:
The guy (in the song) couldn't possibly have only one friend, which is Tommy. He might also have Jimmy, Andy, Larry, and Scotty to his stable of friends where he occasionally hangs out with for a bite. And Tommy didn't know about it (the going out for a dinner thing) because he wasn't invited, or something.

The solution:
Call the guy's other friends who might have been with him having dinner.

So I drove my car pergi Damansara
Tommy kata maybe you tengok bola
Tapi bila I sampai you tak ada
Lagi lah I jadi gila

The logic:
Damansara is not the only place where people hang out to watch football/soccer matches. Maybe the guy went to Bangsar, or Hartamas, or Petaling Jaya, or Subang Jaya.

The solution:
Install a tracking device on the guy. There is simply limitless possibility as to where exactly did the guy went to watch EPL.

So I called and called sampai you answer
You kata: "Sorry sayang tadi tak dengar"
"My phone was on silent. I was at the gym"
Tapi latar belakang suara perempuan lain

The logic:
I am pretty sure that if you go to any good gym here in Malaysia, they will have one or two female instructors. You know, maybe for pilates class, or yoga, or aerobic. So when the girl called the guy, and she heard a woman's voice in the background, that could have just been the voice of some female instructor at the gym handling her class or something. Or it could have possibly been the television. The guy had just finished working out so went to the lounge area (where the gym could possibly have a TV) to chill out a bit where only then he realized that his girlfriend has been trying to reach him like mad.

The solution:
Read this carefully: tracking device.

But then:
IF it is true that he was at the gym.

Very Grammatic - Battles it out!

*Very Grammatic is an unscheduled, published-whenever-I-feel-like-it column for Hafeez, a resident blogger for this blog. This column is centered mostly on Hafeez's other main interest: unusual, unique, arty, and weird music that sane people only listen to while high on drugs.


Today, like any other day, is an absolutely normal, usual, run-of-the-mill day. The date might be of some significance but otherwise it is an abso-fucking-lutely normal day to be precise. Spent the good portion of the morning doing work that will definitely go unnoticed by anyone of some degree of concern. Spent a handsome RM3.50 for lunch that was near satisfying and wholesome. Only perhaps too normal that I couldn't think of anything to write other than the fact that I have to write about something because I wanted to write about Battles.

(See how the normal day has dried up my thoughts) Battles is a some sort of a rock band that hails from New York, playing what I suspect progressive math rock. However, unlike any other progressive math rock band, this band in particular made good use of Chipmunks-style voice effect to further stylized their already highly stylized music. Ah crap, that is awful. Let me rephrase that.

Listening to Battles is like listening to the cries of a horde of lab rat drowning in a washing machine while the scientist involved is shrieking frantically across the room because the Bunsen burner tries to mount his leg. It's super maniac - it blows your brain to bits and pieces; it blurs your perception towards reality; it dismantles your belief in Pythagoras' theorem. In other words, it is absolutely amazing. When I first listen to this band, I was blown away. The music is so weird, so individual, and so unique, my head exploded.

Literally.

But not today.